Wednesday, December 26, 2007

jeff's new bed frame

Jeff: holy shiz
it's free shipping!!!
i'm ordering right now

me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeff : fuck. this is a big purchase. i always get nervous

me: did you even look around? what if it's a piece of shit?
what's the return policy?
what's the assembly-required fine print?

Jeff : i've been looking for months

me: whoa
you're serious

Jeff : i always end up back on this one
yeah
and the reviews are good

me: haha
in the new york times?

Jeff : return policy? don't know
let me get on that

me: dude
def look that up

Jeff : i'm ordering in the holiday return policy window
which is good
full refund if returned by january 10th
but meredith, i just don't think i am going to need to do that

me: well i'm glad you place full confidence in the good people at overstock
but sometimes these things are good to know jeff
god
immature

Jeff : shit. now i want a feather bed too
what do you think

me: don't you have PT?

Jeff : ???

me: (pillow-top, dawg)

Jeff: oh yeah but it's firm
on purpose

me: wtf!?
idiot

Jeff : hahaha

me: that defeats the purpose of PT

Jeff : no it doesn't

me: oh
anyway
lolling

Jeff : you're a fool and don't know anything
it's firm underneath the pillow top
ugh
annoying

me: whatever man

Jeff : uninformed
dumb

me: your bed is soooo uncomfortable, i can tell from here

Jeff : FLAMING POO

me: you just love uncomfortable beds
lol

Jeff : hahahahaaa

me: sack of flaming shit in your face

Monday, December 24, 2007

Thursday, December 20, 2007

fat girls' night in

November 28, 3:05 pm

Jeff: i forgot that i was supposed to get twinkies for my advisory
actually, zingers

me: mm yum
i love zingers

Jeff: so i ran home and got them

me: what flavs
vanilla?

Jeff: raspberry

me: or "yellow"
oh

Jeff: "red"

me: red's the worst

Jeff: haha i know
i had one and almost barfed

me: you should try the yellow ones
hella good

Jeff: they ate them like they were candy

me: what does that mean
like 6 at a time?

Jeff: haha
that was good

me: thanks
stuff a red zinger in your butthole

Jeff: i know what you're thinking of... these zingers were a little different...
the red frosting covered the whole twinkie and it's sprinkled with coconut
stuff a red zinger in your butthole
hella lolling
so dumb

me: haha
i know what you're talking about

Jeff: they are the best for fat girls night in

me: i love fat girls night in

Jeff: i do too
my favorite nights

Lettin' Loose

September 12th, 10:31 am

Meredith: whomp that trick

me: stomp that trick

Meredith: it's hard out there for a pimp

me: i ain't got no visa. i ain't got no red american express. i can't even buy you flowers

the same playing field

November 28, 2:05 pm

Jeff: oh, get this....these 7th graders made a "jeff turner" face book profile
ugh. they are so obnoxious

me: haha what did they put on the profile?

Jeff: i don't know...as of last night there was still no picture thank god

me: haha just wait
i'm sure they'll get something good up

Jeff: shit
i hate them
they told me they were making it

me: you should retaliate somehow
like with flaming bags of dog doo
or by calling them all retards
in front of their parents

Jeff: haha classic retaliation move
the poo one

me: haha
i know
classic
have you ever actually done that to someone?

Jeff: no

me: i wish i could say i have

Jeff: i don't think anyone has
ever

me: we need to do that
pioneers
speaking of pioneers
kid nation: tonight

Jeff: i want to go toilet papering

me: eh

Jeff: TP some one's apartment

me: tp'ings not the same as flaming poo

Jeff: hahaha no it's not
nothing is

me: not even on the same playing field
i'm gonna get someone to put it on your doorstep
so look out

Jeff: shut up
don't
i kill you

the origins of 7

September 27th, 10:22 am

Meredith: poop

me: stop the immaturity. one of my kids was telling me how his favorite # is 7
no joke. for serious. i told him to look for 7 in special places in the world
you know, the typical "7 talk"

Meredith: i saw a blurb on CNN yesterday about how nike is making a special line of shoes for native americans. they said they
incorporated the number 7 because it has special meaning for them
lol
totally

me: HAHAHAHA

Meredith: i talk about 7 all the time

me: dude. we were so far ahead of the time

Meredith: no kidding, we were tapping into some native american ancient shit. jeff, for realz, 7 is the best
it's a magical number

me: i know....if you think about 7 for a long enough period of time, it starts raining

Meredith: if you say 7 three hundred times in a row a unicorn appears

me: and if you say it 3 times in a row, in the dark, in a mirror, noah appears and kills baby animals

Meredith: noah of noah's ark?

me: whoa. i feel like i just ate acid
noah's ark fool

Meredith: noah is a weird word. god i'm tripping billies

me: oh, you know another weird word? decrease

Meredith: oh, yeah, i guess

me: i'm under the table and dreaming. And butch

Meredith: DMB probably likes 7

me: butch sounds weird after saying it like 7 times

Meredith: oh i thought you were saying you were under the table, dreaming AND butch
i didn't really know how to respond

me: hahaha i'm confused

Meredith: i love butches. like kd lang

me: they gross me out. remember your old boss? katie?
such a weird time
7

Meredith: the weirdest time EVER. that was when we discovered 7

me: ahh yes. I remember.

Jeff is crushing on Mr. Belding

Jeff: yo. and they just tore up that gross ass carpet so now we have a hard wood floor
holler

me: nice
that carpet was narsty narst
it had like 40 year old cat barf woven in

Jeff: it's like a huge dance floor

me: mature jeff
think about maturity

Jeff: how much are the places you're looking at?

me: my cap cap CAP to the MAX is 1050
i want to stay under 1000 though

Jeff: to the max
the MAX
for burgers

me: MAX

Jeff: i'll call lisa turtle

me: what do burgers have to do with anything
hahahahahahahaha
nice, thanks
i'll get slater and kelly
i want a SBTB box set
do they make that
when the teacher pops a test i know i'm in a mess and my dog ate all my homework last night
ridin low in my chair she won't know that i'm there if i can hand it in tomorrow it'll
BE ALRIGHT

Jeff: hahaha
dude
get back to work

me: the best
you
you're forming young minds

Jeff: DO NOT start typing the fresh prince of bel air song

me: i'm not responsible for anything
i wouldn't
so passe

Jeff: i'm done with you

me: RUDE
bad attitude jeff

When Meredith makes up lyrics...

November 30th, 12:20 pm

me: oh my god.
i just found an online coupon for overstock.com
%40 off!!!
i'm going to see if it can be applied to my order
THOSE BITCHES BETTER APPLY IT

Meredith: bitch asses with their coupons. i have that beyonce song in my head
you must not know what i mean you must not know what i mean
you must not know what i mean you must not know what i mean
you must not know what i mean you must not know what i mean
you must not know what i mean you must not know what i mean


Coke-a-corns take over TVland

me: have you been watching gossip girl?

Jeff: yo. you are like the 100th person that has asked me that
and no
i have not

me: jeez jef
jef, that's you

Jeff: i know

me: get with it
what have you been watching? friends reruns? welcome to 2007

Jeff: of course!
6:30-7:30
power hour
hahaha
and mondays on tbs
two straight hours

me: you need to at least watch kid nation
give it a shot
you will love it
do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i command thee

Jeff: shut your face
watch the bachelor
i love jenni

me: ugh
i watched it once
lametown
all bachelors are the same

Jeff: bachelor nation
they are all the same

me: "where bachelors fend for themselves"

Jeff: the girls are always the conservative-we-look-the-same-and-want-to-get-married-at-a-young-age-or-else-we-will-just-fall-apart-emotionally kind
love it
you should go on kid nation

me: lol
i love that description
i think i am a little old for kid nation
but i would love to

Jeff: i don't

me: oh
poop

Jeff: with your maturity level?

me: boobs
true, true
i'd just be a little taller than everyone else
and instead of root beer i could drink whiskey in the town saloon
other than that
no difference

Jeff: haha
i saw a preview where some kid ordered a root beer b/c he had a hard day
hahaha

me: yeah he missed his girlfriend
he's liked her since 3rd grade
his friend tried to cheer him up by taking him out on the fringes of town to look at some cows

Jeff: LOLing
fringes of town

me: cows
lol
they were standing there and the one kid goes, try to take your mind off it man.
look at those cows. oh wait. are those bulls? those are bulls. let's go this way

Jeff: hells of LOLing
i want to see it now
NOW

me: i'm wearing pantyhose today
and it makes me want to kill people

Jeff: i love pantyhose
they make me feel sexy
in a very straight, manly way

me: i think many men feel that way

Jeff: i have em

me: sweet
ew

Jeff: yo. more items added to the jcrew sale
what's your address? can i send you a prime card?
meredith, imagine...every prime number from 1 to 2000 at your fingertips!!!!!!

me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
please
i need this sort of information at my immediate disposal
the pantyhose are making my insides hurt
squeezing

Jeff: ewww
i just pictured your intestines all smushed up

me: it looked good, right?
i love thinking about guts
i got new glasses
they are hells of cool
they have only a half-rim, you know? like rim on top, no rim on bottom
rimjob

Jeff: hahaha i like those
i almost got those kind too
but my shit is too thick

me: but they couldn't hold your 64" lenses
64" is really thick
you should consider getting new eyes installed

Jeff: i just sent you an email from logan
he's home sick today
this is what he does
with pictures of himself

me: this is incredible
i don't really know why it's called "blowunicorn" though

Jeff: hahaha i know
i was nervous to open it

me: me too

Jeff: you know, like beastiality and shit

me: fucking goats and dogs
donkey shows

Jeff: helluv LOLing
donkey shows

me: ok kid nation is on at 8 on your channel 5
i looked at tv guide for you
that means you'll have to skip deal or no deal

Jeff: fuck deal or no deal
i've never watched that
and i won't
OK????!!

me: i know i was just kidding
i fucking hate deal or no deal
what a stupid show
boring as shit
god i have a big night of tv
kid nation at 7, gossip girl at 8

Jeff: the "regular" people in this country are fucking stupid
and ugle
ugly
hahaha

me: ugle
haha

Jeff: well, and ugle
and fat
fatle

me: oogle-eh

Jeff: fatle and ugle

me: haha
i hate fatties

Jeff: ditto

me: jk
but not really
i also hate asian drivers
but that's between you and me

Jeff: oh my god i HATE asian drivers
yesterday i had a zipcar for some errands
and i UNFORTUNATELY had to go the fucking richmond
oh my god
i hate them
asians are terrified of the road
so funny
and obnoxious

me: haha
either that or they drive suped-up honda civics with those like speed racer bars on the back
and decals

Jeff: and have ridiculous haircuts

me: and eat dogs

Jeff: and they are all kinda scared of each other
and frogs
eat frogs

me: and ducks
no, they're scared of frogs
and the movie tokyo drift

Jeff: i just sneezed snot on my hand

me: cool, what are you gonna do with it

Jeff: eat it
oh god
this world is ridic
people get attention for being dumb
so tiring

me: time for the coke-a-corns to take over

Jeff: hahahaa
that's just good comedy

Jeff's files

me: did you see that bon jovi hosted snl on saturday

Jeff: yeah. so rad
did you see it?
the digital short?
titled "people getting punch when they are about to eat"
brilliant

me: no i didn't see that
i will try to find it on you tube
jeff i'm bored
can you help

Jeff: jcrew online sale
additional 20% off purchase of $175
get on it
i'm already nervous

me: i don't know if i have $175 to spend at j
but i'll take a look

Jeff: i have a huge grounder zip on the end of my nose
and it hurts hells of every time i touch my nose
zips are the new zits

me: a zip? cool, is that like a portal to another universe
a zipcar

Jeff: hahaha
saturday i went to an going out of business sale at an office on van ness
so weird

me: um ok
did you get a secretarial typewriter

Jeff: it was like a dentist office....still set up like an office but everything in sight was on sale
no. i bought a file cabinet.

me: weird
i would have bought the dentist's chair
and tools

Jeff: here's the connection....so i reserved a zipcar pickup to pick it up tomorrow
hahaha
thought that was funny

me: weirdo
is it a 2 or 4 drawer

Jeff: a toyota tacaoma
4. tall one
only $25
i can put all my shiz in it

me: all of your files?
i would like to see your files

Jeff: all my clients that i see in the bushes at night
shhhh

me: "beef stroganoff" "other beef dishes" "blue angels" "days when i had bad gas" "hush puppies"

Jeff: HAHAHAHAHAHA
those would def be my tabs

me: "photoshopped pictures of me with posh"

Jeff: haha
stream of consciousness
i just ordered 107 pictures from ofoto
some from nye two years ago

me: what was that
was i there
i have eaten like 600 mini peppermint patties in the past 24 hours

Jeff: hahahaha
you probs have sexy breath though

me: so sexy, minty but decadent

Jeff: i'm drinking an emergen-C
and i always think of conor o
he said in an interview once that he lives on emergen-C
FYI
k

me: oh good, let me update my stalker files

Jeff: k
let me know when you're done

me: have you been watching kid nation

Jeff: no
i'm going to eat lunch

me: ugh
watch kid nation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeff: i can't have this conversation
hahah
no

me: its the best show out there
have a nice lunch

Jeff: bye

me: poop

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

solid gold titi

Meredith: i just can't stop thinking about wizard's sleeves

me: so there are these guys working on rewiring the fire alarm system here

Meredith: k

me: and they are like total blue collar guys
totally nice

Meredith: k

me: but like, tough and stuff. like motorcycles and cigs

Meredith: totes
from central cali, probs

me: i sit in the lower school music room and so there are......yeah. central cali fo sho
the kind of guys that "fucking hate fucking driving into this fucking insane city every fucking day..."

Meredith: lol

me: so here in the music room there are like a bunch of notes and shit onthe walls

Meredith: really? revolutionary

me: including, but not limited to the foloowing
ta-a-a-a

Meredith: tits and ass?

me: ta-a
hahahahaha
i just spit on my computer

Meredith: what is this ta-a business

me: and other stuff
SO ANYWAY

Meredith: wait
i don't get what you're saying here

me: i'm just setting the scene

Meredith: all i have gotten out of this story so far is that there are some hard core dudes and notes on the walls

me: this is story telling meredith

Meredith: possibly some tits and ass

me: setting the scene

Meredith: oh, oh. right. my bad. please continue

me: T and A??!!! where??
ok.....
so today one of the dudes came in to the room with like wire and shiz and said,
"so the other day one of the guys was working in here with me and he's from the philipeans
sp?

Meredith: phillippenes?

me: and he noticed the "ti-ti" sign on the wall

Meredith: asia

me: after he said that he just started laughing
so i joined in
ti-ti

Meredith: oh my god i am laughing so hard
i'm trying not to be really loud
my eyes are tearing

me: then he was like, "yeah so, we were laughing for a while about that....you know what it means right?"
i'm dying
watery eyes

Meredith: lol this better be good

me: oh. that's it
i was just like, yeah i know.

Meredith: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

me: then he left

Meredith: turner classics
so you never found out

me: i just had to get up for a sec

Meredith: you just were laughing at "ti ti"

me: yeah...hahahahahhaha. like boobs.

Meredith: lol
that is hilarious

me: i cannot talk to you anymore

Meredith: i am going to look it up and see if i can find out what that means in ching chong

me: people think i am crazy

Meredith: i know me too, my face is bright red

me: AHAHAHAHHAA
i just did a cough laugh
this is all i've written on the evaluation in the last 45 minutes:
It was clear that throughout the
that's it

Meredith: OMG i totally found it

me: ? what is it?

Meredith: http://www.tagalog-dictionary.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?s=titi
lolling so hard

me: LOL LOL LOL LOL HELLUV

family tree

me: i was just talking about poor little jack and how he met his fate with the fertilizer
he will be missed
RIP

Jeff: you know about roxie right?

me: NO
WHAT!?

Jeff: roxie is the new jack

me: lol
no

Jeff: she's even smaller

me: jack lives on forever
wait
what is jack's sister's name?

Jeff: her name is fucking ROXIE

me: who is roxie!??
what!?

Jeff: the dog

me: you're really upsetting me
katie
katie, right?

Jeff: my dad's new dog is another weiner dog named roxie

me: katie is jack's sister
hahahaha
nice

Jeff: no. katie is jack's sister who lives with my sister

me: i hope i meet roxie one day
i know, i know about katie
i thought you were gonna tell me something bad happened to her too
i started tearing up and screaming

Jeff: oh shit. katie died though
wait. now i'm confused

me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jeff: wait

me: what happened to her

Jeff: shit
mike ran her over in his truck
on accident
backing out of the driveway
i think

me: dear lord
RIP katie
you will be missed

Jeff: wait. i think katie was the replacement for the one that got run over
i can't think of another name though

me: no
katie was jack's sister
i remember
we met them in santa cruz

Jeff: oh yeah. ok. so katie is dead

me: jeff try to say it with a little compassion
"katie is no longer with us"
"katie has passed on"

Jeff: hahah
i'm still kinda confused

me: ok let me break it down

Jeff: i have to call my brother
bye

me: jack + katie were bros
roxie is the new jack

Jeff: he might come here on sunday

me: ____ is the new katie, we don't know his or her name right now

Jeff: i like that we are having two different conversations

me: haha

Jeff: but i think katie is the dog they have now

me: no jeff, no
jesus
i bet you $500
$500!!!!

Jeff: oh wait. they got an iguana instead
ok ok ok ok

me: LOL

Jeff: iggy the iguana

me: i just busted out laughing

Jeff: no joke

me: good
iggy
good one

Jeff: i have to go

me: why
take off your shirt

Jeff: i'm fucking dying and the 8th grades are taking a test

me: tell me about your nipples

Jeff: iggy
katie

me: katie

Jeff: jack

me: jack

Jeff: roxie

me: roxie

Jeff: roxie

me: lolling
family tree complete